My Body

Getting to know my body, and learning to love her 💕 This summer I learned that my complex PTSD is accompanied by dissociation and depersonalization. Before this more specific diagnosis, I had never heard these words in the content of mental health before, but the added vocabulary brought me an unexpected sense of calm. Finally I had words and an explanation for these things I have felt for as long as I can remember — dissociating from the present, and feeling like I’m watching my life happen on a movie screen; and experiencing so much anger at and shame with my body that I start to feel numb and empty…

When I received diagnosis this summer (some of which I’m still ruminating and healing on, but hope to share soon), close friends kept telling me how sorry they were that I had such conditions. But, the truth is, for me, being able to NAME these parts of me, these beliefs and behaviors that I couldn’t understand or explain myself, lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I’m scared about the societal stigma these terms and words hold, and I’m nervous about the assumptions that people will make about me because of them. But, I also feel more at peace…I used to just think my body and brain (and self) were broken, but now that I have words to describe these phenomenons, I am sort of able to forgive myself a little bit more.

I don’t want to be defined by the conditions or disorders I have. I want to own and embrace them as emotional scars of what my trauma has left on me — scars that I am on a path to heal.

#mentalhealth